So here it goes. My life so far. I’ve been meaning to write this for a while but it’s quite a lot to think about. I’m only 18 so most people reading this will assume I’m just another spoilt teenage girl making a fuss over nothing. To be honest that’s probably true.
One of my earliest memories of school was being bullied. I spent a lot of my childhood moving countries and moving schools. My first nursery I went to, I was so shy I refused to speak to anyone. I sat alone and accepted older children throwing sand in my face. Never complained.
Aged 3. Pushed, shoved and laughed at on the daily. I wasn’t allowed to play because the other children reminded me I wasn’t good enough. Teachers watched and laughed.
Age 5 new country, new school. Still hardly spoke but it was better. Had a couple a friends but they weren’t that close. I was hopsitalied multiple times for allergies and severe asthma attacks. Every cold I had was life threatening.
Aged 7 I was diagnosed with ADD and medicated. Even though I was young – each class I took was set on abilities. Because of my ADD I was bottom for everything but I had I high IQ. I began to hate school and did even less than I used to. Shouted at by my parents daily. I was a lazy waste of space.
This was also the age I stopped eating when I wasn’t being watched. During lunch at school I’d rip up my sandwiches into small pieces and hide them in my hand and pockets. Eat a mouthful, throw the rest bin. Dinner, I’d stuff food in my mouth and leave the table to spit it into the toilet.
At 8 I was diagnosed with social anxiety. Woke up at 6 every morning crying and panicking for an hour and a half until I was dragged to the bus stop. I’d always pretend to be ill so I wouldn’t have to go to school.
I heard that if I touched my tonsils I’d throw up – it was a rumour going around school. I tried it a couple of times not to get rid of food because that didn’t occur to me, but so I wouldn’t have to eat it in the first place.
10 I thought I was obese. Slightly below average weight, slightly above average height. I did star jumps and squats in my bedroom. I needed smaller thighs. At this age I was also diagnosed with general anxiety. I had frequent panick attacks and every insignificant thing I did I assumed it was done wrong. Negative thoughts looped over and over in my mind. I hated myself.
Aged 11/12 I began self harming consciously. I was in the garden and dug a thorn into my skin. I slowly pushed it in and out of my arm until it bled and then rubbed dirt in it. It became infected and I was happy. I was diagnosed with depression and began self harming regularly.
The last 6 years has been a series of spiralling events. I had depression so severe I stayed in bed for months. Curtains drawn. No one could move me and people gave up. I’ve disassociated for days, coming out and rembering as much as one would remember a dream. I’ve had auditory hallucinations ignored by medical professionals because they don’t fit with what they’ve got written down. At one point I was 100 lbs and 5’9 – apparently this was fine. In and out of cycles of binging and purging followed by not eating and barely drinking water for days. Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.
18. It looks like it’s finally on the up. I know it’s nowhere near the end of my problems but I don’t think it could get worse than it has been before. I’ve made it through the toughest of times and I’ll be able to make it through again.
forever blue 