Is it suicide if you’re already dead inside?

I just need to breathe but I’m suffocating. Even after the deepest breath I’m still gasping for air. 
Depressions like that; no matter how free you are there are still chains around your ankles. Weights dragging you down. Boulders tied to your arms. 

I’m going to honest – suicide has been playing on my mind a lot recently. It seems increasingly like the only solution to what I’ve been feeling. 

I’ve spent the last year telling myself I’ve been getting better. Telling myself I’m recovered. Telling myself I’m fine. But I know I’ve just been lying and I don’t think I can cope anymore. People are saying how proud they are of me for coming this far but all I can see is deceit. 

It’s been 5 weeks since I’ve been at univerity and everything just seems to keep getting worse. Maybe it because I’ve not seen my family for over a month. I did’t think I’d get homesick but I miss being able to be myself. I miss not being constantly on edge. Living with other people means that I’m permantly anxious. There’s no ‘home’ where I can relax. 

I’m so paranoid that I’m hated I’ve forced myself to talk to people as little as possible so I don’t annoy them. I want to be friendly but my brain is screaming at me no. If I text them they’ll think I’m clingy. If I go in the kitchen they’ll think I’m fat. If I talk for too long they’ll think I’m weird. Everything I do, everything I say, I’m bombarded with thousands of angry thoughts. 

I’ve self harmed 4 times in the last two weeks. Very much broken my 6 month clean streak. Now I’ve relapsed I can’t see much point in stopping. I don’t care anymore. I’ve also purged. It was only one meal but that’s something I’ve not done in over a year. I’m not letting myself buy anymore food until I have nothing left in my cupboards so slowly I’ll be eating less and less. I want to be skinny again maybe then I’ll be less anxious. Maybe then I’ll have some will to live. 

Basically I’ve relapsed with everything. 

Sorry this is so depressing. I’m so depressed. Sorry if you follow my blog for motivation to recover. I’ve run dry. 

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62 thoughts on “Is it suicide if you’re already dead inside?

  1. I can’t understand everything you are going through, however I am going through depression, anxiety and ADHD myself, and if there’s one thing that has been helping me get through each and every day even if it’s by crawling through the darkness each day, My God Jesus Christ has helped me. I’m not saying you have to, but if you are willing to try and reach out to the light, a really good chapter of the Bible to read is called Job. It really shows and explains why bad things happen to people who haven’t done anything wrong, but I personally have been living by the Bible verse, Romans 8:18; It gets better.

    Please contact me if you have any questions, I’d be happy to help.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for this I’m glad that you find help in God. I’m actually
      atheist but I’ll have a look. It’s nice to see someone who’s going through similar things. It gets lonely sometimes thinking you’re the only one going through something. Take care x

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I don’t do well living away from my family. They are what keep me stable. Perhaps you are the same way? Maybe when your family visit, you can sit them down and let them know that your current situation isn’t working. Ask them to help you come up with an alternative. Maybe you could live at home and go to a school there. Maybe you could get your dog registered as an emotional support animal so you can keep him with you at school (if they have those where you live). I know there are lots of other alternatives, but these are the two that come immediately to mind.
      I hope all goes well. ❀

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I don’t really have the choice to move closer other than dropping out of uni because my family love 5 hours away. Also I don’t think England has emotional support animals – well at least I’m pretty sure that isn’t a thing here. I’m just going to keep trying till Christmas and if I’m still bad I think I’ll have to drop out at least until next year because I can’t really live like this forever .. Thanks for the suggestions though! πŸ™‚ x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Just remember: leaving university won’t be the end of the world. It just means that you’re life is going to take a different path than other folks. But dropping out of university is a much better solution than ending your life. Okay? Please remember that. ❀

        Liked by 1 person

  2. In a clumsy way for which I apologize, my poem today (was it today? I’ve lost track of time.) was for you. You are loved, you are worthwhile, you matter. Even if you only feel loved from your readers, I hope you know how much we care, how much you matter to us.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. First there is this: http://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/#
    Second: Even if you do not believe in God, he believes in you. He loves you. You are never alone. You even have a guardian angel with you always. Imagine that angel comforting you when you feel lost. Once upon a time I was a resident assistant at my university. It is perfectly normal to feel anxious and awkward. I can tell from your writings that you are an intelligent and interesting individual. I bet if you give others the chance they’ll see that too. Most universities have tons of resources to help students with adjusting to life away from home. You don’t have to go through this by yourself. Strength isn’t just about how much you can hold up under pressure, true strength is asking for help with that load before it takes you down. Get help. Go to a church, go to your RA, or go to a counselor. Don’t hurt yourself anymore. I know how dark it can get, but trust me there is always a light even if it seems to be a little one. πŸ™‚ I’m going to say a rosary for you every night this week! Even if you don’t believe, I’ve enough faith for the both of us!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you so much – I’m not religious but when people say things and do such kind acts like you do it kind of makes me want to be πŸ™‚ it means a lot for you to take the time to read my stuff let alone to write such empathetic comments. I’m going to book an appointment at the doctors tomorrow and talk to them to see what I can do. Thank you again x

    Liked by 2 people

  5. The title of this article grabbed me tonight because I’m feeling the same way. I have been for several weeks now. It’s a struggle to deal with people trying to cheer you up with words of God and giving you bible phrases of strength. There was an article yesterday about honey on burnt toast. It’s still burnt toast, honey doesn’t make it taste any better. I hope things settle down for you, and you and I can both just wake up tomorrow with a few things behind us to ease the pain.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling the same way – it’s a shit way to feel. I don’t mind people trying to help with god because that’s their way of coping and helping others But I do get frustrated when people get upset that I’m atheist or tell me that there’s still time to become religious.
      I like that burnt toast saying – might have to use that one.
      Hope you start doing better soon x

      Liked by 2 people

  6. yes it is like that only, when death from inside its the end. I suffered from severe psychosomatic pains, its just not a mental condition but it directly effects the physical condition, i suffered severe chest pains as its effects there were no Pathological condition but still it occurred due to mental trauma emotional break down followed by severe outburst and breathing problems,

    slowly i tried controlling them all with the help of proper medication, still there are times when i am down but i don’t want to leave this life until the creator calls us back. There is some reason why we are here and when i think over this i see my parents.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have been feeling the same lately; university this year has just been difficult. Pretending to be happy and content when you know you slowly dying inside.

    People always think you just dramatic or acting like brat but depression is real…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. My heart hit the floor when I read your poem about the rape. I know loved ones who have had the same horrific experience, it’s so hateful, so wrong, so totally abominable! You are not the walking dead, beautiful writer, it’s people like that who did this to you who are the truly walking dead. Jesus is on the Cross to affirm and defend you. That is what he thinks of rape too, it deserves that punishment. The amazing gift is that because he took the punishment, you can be free, free of having to hate that evil-doer because God understands and gives his mercy to all, even that rapist if he ever repents. And most of all He longs to pour his tender love into you, dear one. Ever read the story of the woman at the well, John 4:6-30? His words were meant for you, “Whoever drinks of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst, but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m going to start by saying I’m atheist but I was wondering if I could ask.. because he took the punishment however many years ago does that mean that I shouldn’t hate the person who did that to me? I can’t just forget something like that. I doesn’t really make sense to me. If that was the case then no one would be able to dislike someone because of their actions. If a prolific pedophile repents does that mean that they are forgiven even though they may have abused hundreds of children? I might have taken the wrong angle on what you wrote – sorry if I offend you I’m just curious about other people’s views. Thanks for stopping by x

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I am sorry you are suffering so much. My dog gives me so much love that I sometimes wonder what it would be to look at me through his eyes. I hope seeing your dog also means seeing your family since it looks like you need a break. Try to remember your strength, you have made it this far after all. Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I cried as I read your post. I’ve been feeling the same for some time now. Longer than I would like to admit. Where I really identify with you is thinking you’re being clingy or weird when it comes to social interactions. I was always a quiet person and only talked a lot when in a manic episode or drunk. I’m now on medication that makes me talk excessively and I think having shock therapy also contributed to it. I’m constantly aware of other people’s reactions. Some enjoy talking, other people will roll their eyes when they see me coming. It’s hurtful. My own family does it. I have even taken extra Clonazepam to keep myself quiet around certain people. I shouldn’t have to do that. Our brains can be our own worse enemies. I try to get outside of mine as much of possible with photography, making jewelry, or adult coloring (I know it sounds silly but done right the pics can be beautiful). You can use photography or jewelry making as a talking point with other people at school who have the same interests. I know it isn’t easy. I had one friend for over 30 years and we are not really speaking because I thought she sounded annoyed and mad at me on the phone. lol It’s more comfortable to suffer alone. I am also an Atheist and applaud the mature and kind way you handled your responses. I’m 43 and still have a hard time with being gracious. Always here if needed!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s nice to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way as me. I don’t know why but I’ve suddenly become very chatty after having social anxiety all my life. I’m still socially anxious but only after I talk once I regret having spoken. I’m not sure why I’ve become talkative all of a sudden – I’m just hoping it’s not an early symptom of something new.. I like adult colouring but I can rarely focus long enough to finish one so i don’t often bother starting 1 maybe I should give it another go. I try and be polite when people are telling me to read some part of the bible because I know they are trying to help. It’s when I’m in a really bad place religious comments become tiring to reply to as I get scared that theyll think I’m rejecting their help. Anyway thank you for being so nice πŸ™‚ x

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh I must say that I would never feel like you’re rejecting my help if I gave you a Bible verse. If I find that someone doesn’t want to hear about the Bible, I leave it be. A real Christian would never force religious stuff into a non religious persons face. It’s not the way we should roll. I accept that other people have their own opinion.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. That’s good of you a lot of people have looked down on me in the past for not being religious so I’m just quite cautious about it now. I don’t want anyone to think I’m being rude in anyway though x

        Liked by 2 people

  11. wow, I really like your site and really relate to that and you do inspire me even if your feelings are depressing because it reminds me that I’m not alone and you aren’t either, just like my friends remind me, I’ll remind you… people still need you and there is a reason believe me, there is a reason, and your reason might just be to be a part of the community of people like us,

    Liked by 2 people

  12. Hi, have always been a socially awkward person (was last diagnosed with GAD). I usually try to mimic how others are behaving down to body language in almost every social setting, but have been told it’s useless. The sense of disappointment and hopelessness rushed over me, especially since it was told by a family member.

    Although I’m what some would consider to be a Buddhist, the way I ask questions can be perceived to be ‘challenging the norms’ or whatever, when actually what I hope for is to find something that explores or shows things in as many balanced perspectives as possible.

    I wonder if you’ve heard of the Serenity Prayer. You can edit the words in your mind to make it more secular but retain significant key words. Stay strong. Your feelings are real, and so is your will to live.

    May you be well and happy.

    Liked by 2 people

  13. Please stay strong. I know those feelings and they are horrible, the worthless feeling. But it will pass, the fact that you are writing this post and not harming yourself in anyway shows you have strength, you’re reaching out. Stay strong you beautiful, perfect human being.

    Liked by 3 people

  14. I have been there and then some, many times. I am going to share what I have written about it: https://shatteredinhim.com/2016/10/11/come-out-of-the-tomb/

    I should be dead today, but for some miraculous reason I am not. Honestly, if you ever need support or just a friendly voice, my inbox is always available. I love God and talk a lot about Him, but I don’t judge anyone for anything, including faith and belief systems. My heart is TRULY going out to you right now, because I know. I know. I know! It is hell on the mind and it feels like a prison that has no door on it. Hang on. Hang on tight.

    I am glad to have discovered your blog today and I am going to nose around. In the meantime, I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    If you want to know more about my background, it is all here: https://shatteredinhim.com/whyiamhere/

    I have been stuck down in a deep, dark pit for a very long time. I am finally living in the light.

    Liked by 2 people

  15. Relapses happen, I just hit a nasty relapse & almost gave up a really good therapy. Relapses don’t mean you aren’t moving forward. For instance you could be trying to do too much too soon. Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve been up and down so many times I don’t go down as far anymore because I now know there will always be up again. 1st thing I do now is try to reach out for help as quickly as I will let myself (if you know what I mean). I’m okay & I will be even better. And if you keep trying you will be too.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. Okay, so I’m new to reading your blog, and I still have a few years to go till university. But I can tell you this: Just because you feel others are going to start thinking wrong about you, doesn’t mean it will in any way change how you look or are as a person.
    You know that you have come very far from what you were 6 months ago, and that isn’t going to change because there is a spark in you to want to get better. And even though it is hard to cope with you first couple of months in uni (according to all the other comments) that spark of yours will not let your getting better go to waste. I moved to a new school three years ago, completely different in the studying system and the people were all of different nationalities. I had a hard time, and I did get bullied because of my nationality (Indian) and I hated it. But after those two hard months (I did 6th grade for 2 months just to get to know the school), when I started 7th, knew that this time, I would not get the better of those bullies.
    You just have to accept that other people are going to think something negative about you no matter what you do, and that doesn’t mean you can’t do it because of them. It’s their illogical opinion, so just continue with your recovery, be yourself, and turn that spark to a blazing fire of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Thank you for writing this. I absolutely understand. Being alive is easy. Living is hard. Please know you have a friend in me. I get you. I understand your pain and you are able to make it through the pain of living. You don’t have to impress everyone. Or anyone. (That’s what my psychiatrist says) I’m here for you, Blue.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Hang in there, I have suffered from depression and anxiety. It is nothing nice at all. I actually saw hands coming from out of the ground pulling my ankles back down in my head at one point. I read “You are what you think”. It helped me a great deal. I began to see things differently. I hope I am not crossing boundaries, but if you are interested it can be bought online from Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/You-Are-What-Think/dp/0800787048

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Like many others who have suffered with depression – and yes, suicidal thoughts, I too found help in God. But it wasn’t easy. It has been a process and continues to be a process. The psalmist wrote “Their words are like drawn swords.” Yes, people really can slice into you with what they say. It’s like a round of fiery darts aimed at the heart, and deciding to give thanks in the midst of it – well, let’s just say it’s been a battle. Most of us have probably heard we must forgive others in order to be free. I believe that’s true, but until you know you’ve been forgiven (by God), how can you forgive? Finding help through Christ is not about obeying a list of rules. It’s about experiencing His grace, mercy and freedom to be all you were created to be. So wherever your faith is at, I encourage you not to give up. Seek and you will find…

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  20. How are you now? I’ve felt what you’ve felt and theirs nothing wrong with you. We all have moments where we feel down. Then a label is slapped on it and all of a sudden we have problems and need to be fixed. The self-harming is alarming and I’m so sorry you feel/felt like you had to do that to yourself. I noticed you send you were an atheist and I respect that. Personally I’ve used the bible to be able to love myself. I found words on those pages that told me I was valued! I hope you know your worth and value. Keep going, keep fighting. You are special. You are not alone. (Hugs and Love)

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    1. It’s referred to as living hell. How can I help you when I feel the same way? What keeps me going is all the times I felt this way over time it passes and goodness makes you thankful you did not follow through. Then, that emptiness returns and the cycle plays out for again over the years. Prepare for bad weather.

      Like

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