I just need to breathe but I’m suffocating. Even after the deepest breath I’m still gasping for air.
Depressions like that; no matter how free you are there are still chains around your ankles. Weights dragging you down. Boulders tied to your arms.
I’m going to honest – suicide has been playing on my mind a lot recently. It seems increasingly like the only solution to what I’ve been feeling.
I’ve spent the last year telling myself I’ve been getting better. Telling myself I’m recovered. Telling myself I’m fine. But I know I’ve just been lying and I don’t think I can cope anymore. People are saying how proud they are of me for coming this far but all I can see is deceit.
It’s been 5 weeks since I’ve been at univerity and everything just seems to keep getting worse. Maybe it because I’ve not seen my family for over a month. I did’t think I’d get homesick but I miss being able to be myself. I miss not being constantly on edge. Living with other people means that I’m permantly anxious. There’s no ‘home’ where I can relax.
I’m so paranoid that I’m hated I’ve forced myself to talk to people as little as possible so I don’t annoy them. I want to be friendly but my brain is screaming at me no. If I text them they’ll think I’m clingy. If I go in the kitchen they’ll think I’m fat. If I talk for too long they’ll think I’m weird. Everything I do, everything I say, I’m bombarded with thousands of angry thoughts.
I’ve self harmed 4 times in the last two weeks. Very much broken my 6 month clean streak. Now I’ve relapsed I can’t see much point in stopping. I don’t care anymore. I’ve also purged. It was only one meal but that’s something I’ve not done in over a year. I’m not letting myself buy anymore food until I have nothing left in my cupboards so slowly I’ll be eating less and less. I want to be skinny again maybe then I’ll be less anxious. Maybe then I’ll have some will to live.
Basically I’ve relapsed with everything.
Sorry this is so depressing. I’m so depressed. Sorry if you follow my blog for motivation to recover. I’ve run dry.